I’m going to angry type for a few minutes so ALL CAPS MIGHT HAPPEN A LOT K?

Earlier this week, Fiona Apple announced that she was going to play two shows in New York City - one at Bowery Ballroom, the other at Music Hall of Williamsburg. Not only is this the greatest piece of news to break since she crawled back into her hole post-Extraordinary Machine, but it backed all of those silly Twitter rumors that she was reemerging with a new album this year. This gave me new life.

So imagine my dismay when yesterday’s presale for the shows sold out in literally one second. I thought, OK, that was a fluke. There were probs only three tix on sale anyway. General sale, too, will give me new life. So I set an alarm on my phone for 11:55 to give me an ample five minutes to frantically hit refresh. When 12:00 struck, I got in, selected two tix and went through the fucking CAPTCHA page. My fellow Fiona frans Bobby, Jennalise and my brother Andrew were all trying separately to get said tix. Much to my dismay, I, as well as my frans, were met with this: “Sorry, no exact matches were found, but other tickets may still be available on Ticketmaster.com.”

NO. OTHER TICKETS WEREN’T AVAILABLE ON YOUR SITE YOU ASSHOLES. Wanna know where they were available, though? Stubhub.com. To be exact, 96 tickets were available for MHoW and 67 for Bowery. I thought, OK, maybe we’re just the unlucky ones. I cracked my fings and did a little Twitter search. As it turns out, only ONE person in the entire feed got a pair. Just one person, who shall remain anonymous.

Let’s be honest. This may feel like the end of the world that no one got Fiona tickets. But the real problem here are the Criminal scalpers (pun intended yay). Not only has Ticketmaster fucked me before, but they’re going to do it again in the future. And that’s because the system is utterly flawed. How is it that almost all of the tweets - volume enough to have “Fiona Apple” trend on Twitter - are about how people couldn’t grab tickets? Yet, there are more than 150 tickets priced at $175 apiece on Stubhub?

I could personalize this and tell you that I once skipped class in college to get Fiona Apple tickets for her Virgin Records performance in Union Square (2005 snitches). I could tell you that it was awesome. And before that, I could tell you that I attended her infamous meltdown concert at Roseland Ballroom in March 2000 and watched her crash and burn from the front row. All of these things, would be true.

But that’s not the point. The point is, scalpers are sliding in with technology designed to grab tickets before the fans. Because of this, people like me (real FANS) are left sobbing into a gargantuan novelty size bottle of Diet Snapple while ranting about the injustice on Tumblr. I know, woe is me! But this is a major promlem in the ticketing world. Because of that, I end this diatribe by formally declaring the only thing I can muster at this point: Fuck you, Ticketmaster!